Since our success will inevitably involve other people, one element in achieving it is sensitivity.

Most of us hear but don't listen to other people. This undermines our communication and can become a real barrier to our success. Don't pretend to listen, really listen, or you will miss an opportunity to learn.

You owe yourself to really listen to a customer, a supervisor, a lover, or family member, or - well, you get the picture. Be there for them and yourself when they talk.

Without sharing, the world is a lonely place. But you can set up barriers that block out others. Such barriers not only keep people apart who might desire contact, but can also trap us in a lifestyle which is suffocating to success.

Real listeners are rare. There is an aura around them that draws people to them and once drawn, makes people trust them. This rapport is therapeutic and is central to all healing. People know when they're being taken seriously and they feel good about a person who shows an interest in them.

Good listeners not only increase the level of their own learning but also help the other person's self-esteem. This is true even if you don't comment on what they say, just listen. Listening requires attention and concentration, and you can give these to others who enter your private space.

Why is listening so important? It opens you to pathways of communication. It gives access to another person and whatever it is they know that might be of value to you. A customer might have something of value to say, even if they are keeping you late. People can tell if you are ignoring them or wish they'd go away. They may retaliate by avoiding you when they are in a purchasing mood.

Ignoring people is incredibly powerful. A test I heard about indicated strongly that people would rather be insulted than ignored. Ignoring people makes them feel an attack's been made on their dignity. When you fail to listen, you are ignoring someone.

If you doubt this, try a little experiment yourself. Make a conscious effort to try different approaches with those who come to you with something important. With some, really listen and show them you've understood what they have to say. Use body language, or verbal clues, which spur conversation. With others, (only briefly) indicate just the opposite. Let them know you're not really interested in what they are talking about. Compare the two sets of results and then go apologize to the last group and tell them you will listen better from now on.

Think for a moment about the kinds of people you are attracted to. Don't they make good listeners? They may not offer advice, but they care enough to listen to you. Shouldn't you be a good listener, too? Since you have to be with people, why not make the best of it?

Listening is only one way of learning, but it's an important one. You can learn from others how to succeed. We've all been in the presence of a blow-hard who never listens, except to themselves. They make fools of themselves by being out of touch with others. Just as people feel insulted when you don't really listen, so they feel complimented when you do. When this happens, they're bound to share more information with you. They will provide you with facts you may vitally need to advance your business or personal life. Encouraging others to share not only makes them feel better, it helps them communicate more effectively, and stimulates a flow of thought which might be beneficial to you. Communication is a two-way street and it's hard to imagine a successful person who doesn't value this process.

Being a skillful speaker or writer is important in life. But these are both grounded in listening. Otherwise, you may only offend your audience and develop animosity and resistance from those whom you wanted to cultivate a rapport and a solid impression. Those who speak and don't really listen are boring. If they are compelling at first, they soon become repelling if they don't shut up for a few minutes. They need to really listen.

You can't find someone uninteresting if they find you interesting. Unless you have far too large an ego, the other person has to listen to you and show you how curious they are about you. You end up stimulating each other and the conversation becomes very interesting. Listening makes the other person feel important. If we don't listen, they feel less important. If you want them to perceive you as interesting, listen to them. This is particularly beneficial in business and professional settings. The most charming people you will find at social events are those people who find you charming. They draw us out and let us strut our stuff.

The ingredients are simple and each one is crucial. First, be quiet while they are talking. Appropriate silence is not only a sign of respect, but is also a precondition for real communication. Next, establish and maintain eye contact. This is not only an expected courtesy but will actually keep you from wandering from the content of the conversation.
Thirdly, react positively to something they say. You don't have to be a great speaker to be a good listener. But often good listeners are thought to be good speakers. What a terrific way to be persuasive! Learn techniques of showing attentiveness and assuring the other person that they "have the floor". This will increase your sensitivity to what they are saying and soon you will "care" what people are saying. Fourthly, every few minutes, rephrase what they have said, putting it in your words. "If I understand you correctly..." that type of phrase will really get them interested in you. This approach helps determine the quality of information you are receiving. If it's garbled or inaccurate, now is the time to correct it.

Faulty listening distorts the information/exchange process. You won't be able to properly act upon only half-heard information. You can't get everything that is said in a long conversation but at least know the subject generally.

Leave channels of communication open and functional. You need accurate information to draw proper conclusions and careful listening is one method of assuring this.

This does not mean you have to believe everything that is stated. A psychiatrist listens well even to very disturbed patients, not to learn facts, but to learn the truth. The doctor doesn't necessarily believe the patient, rather listens for key phrases that will unlock hidden doors to the past.

On the other hand, don't shrug off what others say. This is particularly true if you have asked them for advice. Ignoring them is an insult, and future discussions with them are likely to be unproductive. Don't ask for feedback unless you are prepared to act on it. If you have no such intention, it's better not to go through the empty motions.

When you are asked for advice, offer them the truth of how you feel, believe and think. Don't cheat them of your advice. Of course, there may be times when you shouldn't offer advice, but when you can, be honest.

How do you be honest without hurting them? Use tact and timing. You don't have to share all you feel about someone's question. "How do you like my hat?" does not require an essay. Just say it's nice, or, that it's not. Stay on track and keep your responses to the point. If your boss asks for input, give your best ideas and criticisms, in that order.

Always lead with a positive remark, and then negative points, which are usually the salient ones, can be made with far less harm to the person's ego. This means they will be more likely to them interested in you. This approach helps determine the quality of information you are receiving. If it's garbled or inaccurate, now is the time to correct it.

This process works particularly well when you are asked to evaluate employees. If they are not doing well, but you believe they have the potential to excel, then praise them first, before you discuss problem areas. Most likely, you'll have a better employee after they leave the room.
Sensitivity doesn't mean censorship. Your ideas can be fully expressed whether you are initially positive or not. The difference is whether they will be received. You will be perceived as caring, friendly and helpful. The other person will believe more strongly in himself or herself. Both of you will win.

When you begin to discuss any problems, use words that are as impersonal as possible. Make sure, for example, that you make it clear you are discussing work performance, not the individual. Preface your remarks by emphasizing that you know they want to improve and you know they can. Be willing to assist where you can. That way you aren't an adversary, but rather a helper.

I was once asked by a friend to evaluate her interview technique. Although she was very qualified for several positions, she repeatedly hadn't received requests for second interviews. So we went through a mock interview and what she discovered shocked her. Without realizing it, she was putting the interviewer in a defensive position. Her questions put him on the spot with questions she intended to indicate her interest in the job. The interviewer was uncomfortable and put up barriers to her. Now she understood why she wasn't getting those second interviews. She was asking the right questions but in the wrong order. At her next interview, she corrected this problem and found her potential was recognized. She was perceived as an ally, a helpful team member. She got the job! She wasn't seen as a troublemaker, but as a cooperative employee. Was this game playing? Perhaps, but so is much of our social interaction. It has its own rules, its own consequences and its own prices to exact.

You must learn all you can about dealing successfully with others. As you read the example above, did you ask yourself how you would present yourself in each role? Did you see yourself as the interviewer and then the one being interviewed? Practice such role-playing and you'll find self-exploration becomes easier. Self-exploration leads to self-knowledge.

This is a hard and painful search, but the price is always worth it if you value success. In addition, it is part of the sensitivity you need to cultivate. It is part of the awareness which you will require to improve communication, improve the quality of information you receive, and influence people in positive ways. You will lessen hostility wherever you go.

Milton Erickson, a leading hypnotherapist, maintains that we constantly generate resistance in other people by our words and actions toward them. We then must try to overcome this resistance each time we talk with them. Why pride yourself on your personal power, your ability to win verbal battles, when you could be much wiser and sidestep such conflict. Put this sensitive and inquisitive attribute into your personality and it will help you to succeed.
At times, your body language speaks louder than your words. It can create resistance and you don't know why. Others may feel they are facing an adversary and they defend themselves. Other times, your tone of voice, vocabulary, or verbal mannerisms can say you are stubborn.
What you should seek is reconciliation, not resistance and hostility. When you want friends or associates, the last response you want from them is suspicious defensiveness, guarded silence, or carefully couched words.

There are times when you need to present yourself with confidence, but this should not require running roughshod over others. Are you such a "control junkie" that you must assert an overpowering approach to communication? If you are, take the time to analyze your usual stance in conversations. Are you always aggressive? Do you take charge and others automatically fight you to preserve their psychological space? Are you so determined to have your way in all matters that you are an all-conquering invader, rather than a possible teammate?

Don't answer too quickly. If you convey too strong an impression, your every effort will have to be resisted. Every word will be refuted. Every order will be undermined. This resistance could go underground if there is fear you may retaliate against an open rebellion. Yet, the resistance will still be there. This happens in world affairs, such as Northern Ireland and Vietnam, as well as personal interactions with your employees.

Get in touch with your usual way of presenting yourself in a social situation. Do you hang back and wait for others to come to you? Or, do you charge in, hand outstretched eager for every possible contact? Do you control the direction of conversation, guiding it down pre-constructed channels? Or, do you allow it to seek its direction and level? Do the people you meet seem trusting or defensive and suspicious? (New Yorkers can relate to this.) Do you evoke a feeling of openness? Or, do people clam up when you enter the room?

These are all valuable clues of how you're creating resistance in others. Sure, you might be able to overcome it with enough effort, but why exert yourself when you could have avoided it in the first place? Avoid the bar room brawls of some conversations and seek peace and understanding.

To develop sensitivity, consider the living-space of others. Treat each person differently because everyone has a different size and shape of personal space. Whoever penetrates it has violated a barrier of intimacy unless they are invited in. We violate this private space sometimes without knowing it. In an effort to make a point, make a sale, or emphasize words, we may violate a person's personal space and this generates resistance.

While such zones are different from person to person, just knowing that such a zone exists equips you to be sensitive to them. What is comfortable to you may be disconcerting to another.
Each person you ask probably defines sexual harassment differently, but understanding that men and women can perceive this differently will avoid many problems. Don't think that everyone defines the world and perceives life as you do. Your friendly gesture can be interpreted as hostile or vulgar.

Do you know what shape and size your intimacy zone is? Get several friends to stand in a circle around you. Close your eyes and focus your attention. Have them stand a few feet away and then let them move closer to you until you sense them near. How does this make you feel? You should have different reactions to those in front than those behind you. Does it matter if these people were male or female? Without they're touching you, you still feel invaded at some point. That point will be different for just about everyone who does this experiment.

After a few times, you'll be able to draw your intimacy map and you will be better equipped to be sensitive to others who may have different maps. There is no right or wrong "map". It's just ours and theirs.

Take other's perceptions seriously. If they have recently had a traumatic experience, be sensitive to that and be careful with physical contact. Give them the space to be themselves without making differences too large to block communication.

Put yourself in their shoes and admit that yours is not the only valuable viewpoint. With a group of friends, put on Halloween masks and divide into pairs. Play the part of your mask - Frankenstein would be verbally aggressive, if hard to understand. Then switch masks and roles. Do this with several people.

How did it make you feel? Was there a real shift in personalities? Did you feel strong in one role and weak in another? Could you identify more with one than the other? Or did you fail to connect with both roles? What does this reveal about you? How did it feel to be judged by your appearance? Does this help you understand the issues involved in racial relations and cultural stereotyping? Could you use some work in interpersonal relations?

Children's games will reveal to you as much about yourself as you let them. If you can use these devices as tools of self-exploration and discovery, you have come a long way in your quest for understanding. They may only show pockets of blindness, insensitivity, and numbness. Once you discover them, you will be on your way to uncovering your deepest feelings, perceptions and motivations. You will not emerge the same from such a process.

You know more people than you think.
Here is a partial list of people you probably see every week.

And Remember...

Don't forget your relatives: Parents, grandparents, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, stepparents, former spouse, grandchildren, nieces and your nephews.


Who sold you your:

Appliances, cleaning products, maintenance lease, printing supplies, office supplies, clothes, or shoes, bicycle, furniture, carpet, cars, boat, or your jewelry?

In varying degrees you know hundreds of people and probably didn't give it a second though to.

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