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Chapter
Three
The Journey
Begins
What is success?
Perhaps more than
anything, success is an empty dream. Cowards are never successful
at anything positive. They are puppets of their own fears and
anxieties, pulled this way and that by externals. They are pulled
by circumstances and decisions, which they fail to exercise control.
Courage means willing to risk when risk is necessary for growth
and change. It means being able to commit yourself to people,
to projects and to goals. It also means to give and then to keep
your word, even when things don't turn out the way you anticipated.
Many people who claim they want success simply lack the courage
and commitment to attain it.
They like to pretend
they have lofty ideas and high hopes, but their actions never
measure up to their impressive words. They either lack the nerve
to begin new projects, or once begun, they abandon them. They
lack the courage to follow through, even if they see the need
to change and realize the necessity to alter the course of their
personal or professional life. Like the members of the therapy
group discussed earlier, people often prefer to keep problems
in place rather than launch a new lifestyle with its uncertainties.
When battered women are asked why they stay with an abusive spouse,
they all too often give a disturbing, yet revealing response:
their mate is a known quantity. He abuses them on a regular basis
and even in this there is a grim and predictable kind of security.
They count on him to be drunk, angry or physically violent on
a regular basis. Then the cycle continues its terrifying routine
- the couple makes up. While there are many other factors involved
in domestic violence, certainly the feature of "negative
security" cannot be ignored.
We tend to gravitate
toward the known; to preserve it, even when we know it may eventually
destroy us. Once again, the phenomenon of domestic violence provides
a lesson. Many women defend their abuser against the police even
when it was she who first summoned them. This frustrates the
police. They have to deal not only with a potentially violent
male, but also with his suddenly protective and now remorseful
wife. See the point?
A famous philosopher
once said, "The last thing most people will give up is their
suffering" (paraphrase.) When I first read that, I thought
it was witty and provoking, but I could not take it seriously
as a description of how things really were. But I'm wiser now,
and I believe I see what he meant. People do cling to what is
known, even if it is an abusive mate, an incestuous father or
mother, a degrading job, a demeaning self-concept.
We can only blast
through this barrier by having the courage to see things differently.
Especially the courage to view ourselves with different and enlightened
eyes. Can we admit that we really don't know who we are? Are
we brave enough to strike out in new directions, even when they
are not consistent with what we have tried to do and failed?
Or are we doomed like galley slaves in some cast ship to row
forever for someone else? We can never experience true freedom
that way and we will always see our best efforts lead to nothing.
Look at the lives of those around you, then at your life, and
answer my question.
Sadly enough, the
main struggle many people ever experience is the struggle to
stay right where they are, even if they complain loudly about
their sad state. The next time a friend complains about some
problem, just offer some advice that requires a real change or
struggle on their part. Watch them shoot down the best ideas
you can come up with. See what is going on? They are not really
ready to change. They are in a comfort zone that "feels"
too good to leave - what a paradox! The truth is they are in
a discomfort zone.
This may sound as
though I am exaggerating to make a point, but I'm not. We all
have friends who have labored long and hard to remain in a draining
relationship, a dead-end job, or an ugly and decaying neighborhood.
While they complain
about their unfulfilling life, they show few signs of being willing
to change. They offer resistance to anyone who is naive enough
to offer suggestions that can lead to a positive change.
It is easy for us
to be emotionally spot-welded to a particular situation, job
or relationship, no matter how depressing. Apparently, negative
feelings are at least as powerful an adhesive as positive ones.
Some of the longest lasting marriages are pathological, containing
the abuse, anger and mutual resentment. They stay together, but
the tool they exact on themselves is dreadfully great.
Some people state,
"I would like to change, as long as I just stay the way
I am, of course." How contradictory. Others say it this
way: "Yes, I am ready for any struggle or sacrifice to experience
personal growth, as long as it does not require anything of me."
How sad. No one can cling to such convictions and then hope to
succeed.
You can keep "your"
friends with negative beliefs, the frustrating relationships,
and the unrewarding decisions. Just know they are really your
enemies. Or you can change. You can have new experiences, with
a new self-concept. Which will it be? Courage is the key. Without
it you have already made your decision.
Have you ever had
the feeling that some people do not want to get involved in their
own life? I sure have. I believe I know why. They do not want
to get involved because this would require two very precious
commodities: courage and commitment. Their lives drift along.
Steering is almost never done. They bump into obstacles that
block them. They view this passively, as if it was someone else's
life. They are spectators of their own lives as if they were
in a large stadium and could leave any time and resume their
lives once again, unchanged.
Are you committed
to your life? Are you a leader, at least when it comes to making
decision and then acting upon those decisions? Are you involved
and committed to everything you do, or do you leave it to others?
Do you accept the responsibility for your own decisions, your
own values, and your daily choices? Don't lie to yourself. Don't
engage in self-deception. Have the courage to admit to yourself
how things really are inside you. Then they can be changed.
For the rest of your
life, no matter how short or how long, you have to live with
yourself. Think about it. You cannot be surprised that attaining
success is a struggle involving commitment and courage. It requires
a willingness to explore the unknown aspects of you. It will
call for change in unexpected and uncomfortable directions. Are
you still with me? I hope so. Because if you are, the journey
really begins to get even more exciting from this point foreword.
Keeping in mind all
the complex and even contradictory aspects of the human mind
and spirit, we must plunge ahead.
The most important
concept you must remember is to be true to yourself. If others
do not understand, that's okay. Commit yourself to yourself.
Be willing to find out who you are, even if you thought you already
knew. Be prepared to admit things about yourself that you always
denied before. Be ready to look at every feature of your life
in a light that at times may be unflattering. If you can do this,
or hope you can, hang in there. You have probably never had more
to gain by sticking to anything. These ideas are here for the
asking. But they cannot apply themselves into your life, no matter
how much anyone else believes in them.
It is up to you!
SUMMARY
OF CHAPTER THREE
"The Journey
Begins"
What is success? It
is courageously living each moment as fully as possible. It means
being able to commit yourself to people, projects and goals.
It means to give and keep your promises.
Some people don't
want to get involved with their own lives. Do you lead your life,
or do you just drift along?
Accept responsibility
for your life; don't lie to yourself. Have the courage to admit
how things really are inside you.
The
Steps to Power Up!
My Plan
What do I really want
to accomplish?
What is the most effective
and expedient way of reaching my goal?
I have the following
abilities, skills, and knowledge for achieving this goal:
Additional information,
skills, and abilities needed:
Here are the places
I will go, the people I will see, the sources I will use, to
help me gain new knowledge, skills and abilities I need:
The first step I will
take this week:
My next steps will
be as follows, including deadlines:
My Target date for
reaching this goal:
The
Steps to Power Up! Put it in Writing
List of your Goals: On a separate piece of paper list all the
goals you would like to reach. List as many as you want - make
the lofty - keep them realistic.
Chapter Four
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